Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Get up

Get up
Long time no write anything. I've had a few weeks of profound changes that have led me to have little time but also face life differently. I had to beat depression and that kept me busy. But I did. I was very depressed, exhausted, not the way of comfort. I woke up crying, crying during the day, hated every bite he took, did not want to see people. He was in a foul mood and was entering a circle of anguish that made me increasingly stifling. And it wanted to get my old life. Do what everyone again and be unable to do so right now I was frustrated and I feel frustrated because I would never be the same. And after much thought, I realized I had to stop struggling with that.

Indeed, I will never again be the same. Never. I beat cancer. I'm expensive paying the consequences of that, but I'm here. And if I did not win a cancer I will not win a depression. I'll never be the same, now I love you more, today I care much, today I am obliged to love and enjoy every moment you step because I know exactly what not to. Feel that all is lost.

Assuming that would never be the same, there is no way I bind me to the world the same way I decided I had to start my normal life once again, choose the changes I wanted to do and do it and continue what I had been truncated, either talking either good or talking more or less as now, he does not like to hear, what not to do after all have overcome many things by myself to go around worrying about who likes me and who does not. How is it out of a depression? With patience and hard head. I do not superseded, every day I make a little effort to be better but more attempt make decisions every day that make me proud and make me feel good.

For starters, I selected a group of relationships that are positive and I started cultivate. And not from the position of the patient being visited. Since normal. From all my normal situation permits. Interestingly they appeared in my life with a light and an energy and brightness and positiv able to crawl them. I lie. They did not come from nothing, these people were already there had only to give them more input. Paula and Caro. That beautiful women, pure joy transmitted from a deep look that keeps overcome own pains every day and they are a true reflection of who can.

I started to take seriously my activities that are pleasurable and constitute a space exclusively for me. I go once a week to a masseuse. It's fabulous, it makes me massage, acupressure, reiki. I put seeds in the ears and gave me a homepáticas drops. Massages, especially those who are neck and neck level have made me improve a lot my rest and relax tension accumulated a lot to do constant force and always nervous maxilla. I am a little skeptical with reiki and seeds, but comes in the combo and if she wants me to spend as universal energy that I spend. It does not make me wrong.

I am also going once a week to yoga. I am very bad. I have a bad stretch, a bad coordination and tremendous ease of distraction while you have to concentrate. But a great time and I feel throughout the class, even though they cost me the exercises I do is positive. I always go back to the kind of relaxed and happy yoga. By the way, I got massages on Thursdays Tuesdays and yoga. To have all the chakras organizaditos all week.

I started biking everywhere. My friend Paula went away and left me his bike. A Nomad GT citadina latest model. I just I can not lose her. It freed me. I bike everywhere and always think of a new place to go to walk a little longer. The bike is life, definitely.

I resumed my courses. Before the operation was studying three subjects who had to greet a teacher of literature. Actually, I finished my studies three years ago but never made the finals. Cancer made me realize everything I want to be a teacher. Today if I can not speak well enough to teach. I guess at some point yes, but as I find out, I will by that title. Back to school was a challenge, I started many times, many times and wondered Largue all wanted to meet me for something not even know if I will be able to exercise. But I gave my quizzes. At first I was fine. In the second I was more or less. In the last not yet know, but you if any given enables me to take my final exams and I reintroduced especially in academic life and show me that I can.

I forgave. I let flow all the trapped feelings I had toward people that I felt had failed or had not been what I expected. People are what they are and what they have. I am grateful to receive affection, much or little and if I need anything, other contentions, other attitudes, is not a matter of walking by asking or waiting for everyone, maybe it is a matter of positioning against the right people.

I went out dancing and drumming on the rope with my friends. Every Saturday. While I can not take all the full and completed the first round test usually I have to go home, the joy returned to my body to the rhythm of Candombe. While I dance I know it will hurt all of course, but I also know that I'm dancing and that fills me with happiness. Reconnect with dancing, smiles, glances of my classmates filled me an irreplaceable energy.

I returned to work. That does not make me so happy, but it makes me happy feel normal, return to ordinary life. My coworkers are very cute and have received me very well. Leave me alone when my spaces are not feel like talking or I'm a little sore, I usually try, do not ask about my meals. My companions are very cute. I have noticed that my attitude towards them changed too, now I get only positive worldwide. They do not interest me dramas Office. I give a lot of grace.

I got cute, I began to love. A comb, painting my nails, put on some makeup. Go out every day to secure myself. Enough of the wet duckling coming out humiliated behind his difficulty speaking. I am what I am and yes, I can hardly speak. I also have a lot of other physical and human attributes, whoever ascertain such welcome it, who do not, too.

I had an appointment. Yes. I put myself to the test. A guy invited me out for some time. He knew he was operated but did not know my story. I debated long each go or not go. Among the shame that I was talking about going a bit wrong. Among the expectations of the meeting, I think of me, as I explain that I had cancer. Contrary to what was more I fought against the specter that would throw me to see me kick your ass and nobody would want to date someone sick (or rather recovery) like me. Until I told myself that going to the movies does not kill anyone. If he does not call me again just as the film was good and see it together it is always better and that good moment me no one can take away. I had a great time. We watched the movie and then went to a bar. I took capucchino and whiskey and laughed a couple of hours. I am delighted of having encouraged me while I realized that although the guy I love and I feel great I right now am not eager to start any relationship, at this time I have only wanted to focus on my . Time will tell if we leave, maybe it's just that I need, time. If it does not, for nothing: go see Mr. Kaplan is a very good movie.

Finally, I upload the last photo I took me. I like the first after the disease and all treatments. I think it came out very nice and that's a mime to self-esteem. It is also the first picture of me around the blog. So far what I did and how I feel these weeks I managed to rescue a tremendous collapse. Small and persistent daily actions. And many hardheaded. None but ourselves can rescue us from sinking into depression. I also cooked and in the coming days a vegan ice cream, cream potatoes, olives cream and other treats coming.

And keep smiling.
From someone with cancer

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